Walk on Water
by Cyhyr
Summary: Doing the impossible: Move on without knowing if he's alive or dead. Iruka wasn't sure he could do it. KakaIru, a kind of GenIru. Oneshot.


A/N: I am very aware of my lack of characters. I totally understand that Naruto does not make an appearance in this ficlet, and that his absence is questionable, considering the content. Expanding my focus to include a bigger cast is something I'm working on, but right now, I really suck at having more than five characters to keep track of. For argument's sake, let's assume that this takes place during the time break, so Naruto's lack of appearance isn't really a problem.

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><p><span>Walk on Water<span>

The papers sat, ungraded, as Iruka stared out the window of his apartment. He was trying to remember what it was they had said to each other that made his chest ache and eyes water, but it was so long ago that it was just a jumble of emotions running amok in his head.

Anger, at first. Maybe someone had yelled, _"I can't stand you when you get like this!" _Iruka thought that maybe there had been some hurt in the words, and maybe something flew across the room, startling a brief moment of nervousness. But really, all he could remember from the beginning of the fight was anger.

_What did they fight about, again?_

It had been loud- the neighbors would certainly wake up if they kept yelling at each other. He'd had a brief moment of pride- _Iruka_ was making the great copy-nin loose control and succumb to his emotions. But then it had left, replaced by the _anger_ again, because of something Kakashi had said.

Something about babying Naruto…? No, no that wasn't it... Whatever it was, it had put Iruka further on edge.

Iruka groaned and turned away from the window, leaving the papers on the low table as he went to the bedroom. Now, new emotions and flashes of what happened that night rushed him, unwanted. He sat down on the bed, frowned, and tried to remember what exactly happened here.

_Sleep? You want me to even try to sleep now?_

_We're both exhausted, Ruka. We'll settle this in the morning._

_We'll settle this now!_

Iruka's hand started to throb lightly, remembering what he'd done. His face, too, started to hurt, when it came back to him what he'd done to Kakashi. The flash of hurt across Kakashi's face had been quickly replaced by more anger, and then he had been pushed back against the bed and his wrists were above his head.

The anger had left. Then: fear, screaming, _Kaka-kun, you're hurting me…!_

_Stop!_

Silence.

Pain.

Iruka held his head in his hands as he remembered more than just emotions, and realized that Kakashi had tried to… had almost…

_Kakashi, you love me!_

Then it had stopped. It was a forced reminder that they had, for times similar to this. A forced reminder that Kakashi did, indeed, love Iruka, and it had forced them both to stop just long enough for the pain to stop and the fear to subside. It was replaced with sadness and caring, and Iruka couldn't quite remember when Kakashi had left, but it was soon after that.

He fell back on the bed and sighed, the fifth time in the last ten minutes, and wondered how Kakashi was doing. He'd been sent out on a mission fairly recently and no one knew how long it would take to complete. It was partially to blame over Iruka's messed-up sense of time- Kakashi had been gone so long, everything was blending together, and Iruka could barely wake up at the same time every morning anymore. Throw it all together with the fight that he could barely remember that happened the night before Kakashi left, and Iruka was hardly able to continue teaching.

Kakashi had never tried to force Iruka into sex before, not without warning him a day or so beforehand and coming up with a safe-word or two. Every so often, Kakashi would get rather rough, and that's when Iruka would either endure and enjoy it, or remind Kakashi that they were in love. Usually, it was met with kisses and a few gentle caresses; but that night, Iruka couldn't really remember it, but Kakashi had pulled back immediately, and the air turned from anger and fear to guilt. But all he could remember clearly was the emotions. That, and that it was dark.

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><p>When he went to work the next day, the students were unusually quiet and calm. Obedient, even. It was weird, but certainly welcomed. Iruka told them that he didn't get to finish grading the essays they had written before, but they should have them back by the end of the week. The kids stayed calm all day, even walked out of the classroom in some kind of order when he let them go a few minutes early.<p>

"Iruka-sensei?"

He looked up and smiled. "Yes, Hanabi-chan?"

"I'm sorry about Kakashi-sensei."

Iruka's smile turned confused and he shooed the girl away. Hanabi didn't leave right away, like she doubted that he wouldn't break down as soon as she left, but soon she stepped out and closed the door behind her.

But, what happened with Kakashi? And how did she know about it before he did?

When he went for his shift at the mission room, it wasn't long before he heard the rumors. Izumo was the first to put his hand on Iruka's shoulder and apologize for his loss, and Kotetsu was there at the same time, reminding Iruka that if he needed anything, the two of them would help him the best they could.

He was keeping himself together just fine until he was told to go home early- with an escort, of course. Izumo and Kotetsu stayed next to him and kept him from detouring to the gate and leaving, and they stayed with him all night as he cried, holding on to Kakashi's pillow.

It hit him, then, how long ago their fight was- weeks, months, maybe. He'd already washed all of Kakashi's laundry and changed the sheets a few times, and there was only a small section of the pillow that carried his lover's scent. Iruka cried harder when Izumo pointed out that the rest of the team came back alive, and there was still a chance that Kakashi would, too.

But Iruka kept falling apart, and there didn't seem to be anything that could be said to pull him back together.

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><p>Iruka stood out on the balcony and looked up at the stars. It'd been a week since his breakdown with Izumo and Kotetsu, and the two had refused to let him spend his evenings alone anymore. Tonight, he finally got them to leave at a decent hour, and all he could do was toss and turn and try to find a part of the bed that still had Kakashi's scent. Failing at that, he stood outside and watched the stars.<p>

"Kakashi… can you see them, where you are?" he whispered to the night.

He hoped he could. Iruka hoped that Kakashi was making his way back to Konoha right now, looking at the same stars and thinking about him. Or, at least, if Kakashi was… maybe he was looking down on the stars, and would be thinking about him that way. Iruka sighed and the fight they had so long ago started to invade his thoughts again.

_What_ did they fight about?

Iruka couldn't remember. It was so long ago. Instead, he cried, knowing that their fight might be the reason why Kakashi didn't come home. He knew he shouldn't be so loose with his emotions, being a shinobi and all, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

He slumped down the wall and fell asleep outside.

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><p>The sun was just starting to light up the sky when Iruka felt the urge to wake up. It was a sudden jolt that opened his eyes, and he reached for a kunai, but his holster had been untied from his thigh. His jacket had also been removed and was draped over the chair by the desk.<p>

He was also in his bed instead of out on the balcony where he _knew_ he had fallen asleep. Iruka scanned the room quickly and, upon seeing no threat, sighed. Someone must have stopped by and brought him inside, but…

"Finally awake?"

Iruka looked up at the doorway and smiled as best he could. "Genma-san." He suddenly became very aware of what he was and wasn't wearing- at least Genma had the decency to leave him his pants, but his shirt had been thrown to the side at some point. He briefly wondered if Genma had tried anything with him while he was asleep, but then he look up at the other shinobi and he was at once relieved and annoyed to see the caring look Genma had.

But Genma wouldn't have taken advantage of him. No, not so soon after loosing…

"Are you alright?" Genma stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed nearby, and took Iruka's hand in his.

Iruka smiled weakly and watched as Genma played with their fingers. "Did Izumo send you?"

Genma shook his head. He hummed thoughtfully and looked up at Iruka. "No. Not Izumo-san," he said and went back to threading his fingers in and out of Iruka's.

Iruka watched. He was, honestly, amused by Genma's gentleness. He'd heard rumors that Genma was hypersexual, and before now, he had been a little uncomfortable being around him. Then, he remembered that Genma had been on the team with… _him._ Iruka put his other hand over Genma's and stopped the movement. "Who put you up to this?"

Genma held his gaze for a little while and breathed, "Kakashi-san."

Iruka thought he could handle hearing his old lover's name again. He had been thinking about his jounin almost non-stop since the word got out that Kakashi never made it back from his mission, but actually _hearing_ the man's name reminded him of that night so long ago, how they fought and fought and Kakashi had hurt him- unintentionally, of course- and how Iruka no longer had anything in their apartment that smelled like him. He bit his lower lip hard and screwed his eyes tight together. He felt his hand being held tighter, and his hair was tucked behind his ear.

"He had asked me to look after you until he could return and do it himself," Genma said, a hint of hope in his tone that went unnoticed by the chuunin before him. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you the past week."

Iruka shook his head. "No… thank-you, Genma-san, I… You have your duties, as does the rest of the village."

Genma scooted closer to Iruka and brushed the tears away as they trickled down Iruka's face. "I was also tasked with your well-being, Iruka-san," Genma said, "and I had neglected that task until last night simply because I… I couldn't bear to watch you fall apart."

Iruka slowly opened his eyes. "What?"

Genma leaned in and kissed his cheek. "You should sleep some more. The sun's barely risen; it's too early for a teacher to be awake," he said and pulled away with a small smile.

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><p>Genma became a constant presence, and Iruka swore that it didn't bother him at all. Whenever he could possibly be alone, Iruka really wasn't, because Genma would be nearby. If Iruka was done with school for the day, or finished with a shift at the mission room, Genma was always waiting patiently for him. They wouldn't talk so much in public, but when Genma offered his arm while they walked through the village, Iruka would take it quietly and without making any sort of fuss.<p>

Iruka sometimes wondered when Genma found the time to sleep. He was always around during the day to be with Iruka, and he knew Genma didn't go to sleep until after Iruka did. Then, Genma was always awake and ready in the morning with a smile and a morning tea. But… when did he sleep?

"Ready to go, Iruka-san?" Genma was leaning against the doorframe, smiling softly while Iruka pulled together the folders and papers on his desk. The Academy was one of the few places left where Iruka was able to truly work through loosing… well, the kids became his constant, and it kept his head level and his mind from wandering.

"Just a minute," Iruka said. He did a quick scan of the room to make sure the children didn't leave anything behind. After that, he picked up his workbag and walked with Genma out of the building, slipping his arm through Genma's when it was offered.

The silence was comfortable for Iruka, but Genma liked to get him to talk. "How was your class today?"

The kids were always Iruka's favorite topic, and he had a feeling that Genma had figured it out pretty quick that he was always at least grinning when he talked about them. And he did, on and on about the different topics they covered and how the class was split pretty evenly between those that understood everything and those that were having a hard time. Iruka would sometimes mention a name and Genma would reference back another story about that child, and Iruka would almost always say, "Yeah, that one!" with a wide grin.

Genma always at least _seemed_ honestly interested in how his day went.

They stopped in front of Iruka's apartment, and while he pulled out his keys, Genma worked through the chakra wards. Iruka pulled the keys out at the same time as Genma retracted his hand from the door, and Iruka led the way inside. Genma stopped asking two days ago if he could come in, and now he simply followed Iruka inside.

After toeing his sandals off, Iruka started towards the kitchen to prep for dinner. "You're staying, of course," Iruka said and pulled out enough food for two people. Genma didn't even get a chance to respond, but it was expected by now. He helped Iruka with dinner, making a few jokes here and there, and got Iruka to talk some more about his day. He knew it helped Iruka a lot, to talk about everything other than what was _really_ on his mind, but sometimes it hurt Genma to see how much Iruka was hiding.

He wanted to really, truly help Iruka.

Silently, he walked behind Iruka and stood, and then put his hands on Iruka's hips and brought their bodies together. He felt Iruka gasp and watched while he dropped the spoon he had been stirring the soup with. "Iruka-san, are you alright with this?" Genma asked.

Slowly, Iruka nodded. Then, he picked up the spoon again and let Genma pull him back so that they were even closer. Genma leaned his chin on Iruka's shoulder while Iruka continued talking about everything that happened that day, and Iruka was very aware of the light breath tickling his ear and the obvious smile that Genma had on. He could see, out of the corner of his eye, the senbon bobbing along while Genma chewed on it.

Dinner was eaten quietly, the dishes cleaned and put away, and then Iruka sat back at the table and started to think. Genma knelt behind him with his hands back on Iruka's hips. "We fought," Iruka started, and Genma stayed quiet to let him continue. "The night before he left. It was so long ago, I don't even remember much except how angry I was." Genma hummed, took the senbon out of his mouth, and placed it on the table next to where Iruka's hands were.

"Do you remember what you fought about?" Genma asked.

Iruka laughed, hollow. "No. It was just a meaningless fight. Sometimes," he scoffed, "I wonder if he picked it just so we could make up. And, that it was really my fault that it… well, it got out of hand."

Genma pressed his lips to the back of Iruka's neck. Iruka only gasped a little. "How?"

The hesitation. "We… it just…" Then, Iruka frowned. "I don't even remember. Just that it came to blows, for a moment, but then it stopped. I'm not sure why, but he stopped and I wasn't angry anymore, just upset and guilty for getting us both that angry."

He was turned around and pulled into a tight hug. "I doubt it was really your fault."

Then, Iruka's breath hitched. "What if he was thinking about it? What if he was thinking about the fight when he was out there, and that's why he hasn't come back? What if he's still angry with me? What if-?"

Genma kissed him. Softly, at first, and when he pulled back and saw Iruka's lips parted slightly and his eyes closed, he dove back in a little harder. Someone gasped and the other moaned, and then their tongues were touching tentatively, and Iruka's head tilted to the side to deepen the kiss.

"Is this alright, Iruka?" Genma whispered.

Iruka didn't answer, but leaned up to kiss Genma again.

* * *

><p>Two nights later, Iruka was sitting up in bed, staring out the window with Genma's arm draped across his lap. He was running his fingers through Genma's hair absently while contemplating if what he was doing was considered cheating. Kakashi was most likely dead, and he <em>had<em> told Genma to take care of his lover.

And _damn_ did Genma take care of him an hour ago…

Iruka blushed and Genma's breath on his hip made his heart jump. Maybe… well, he didn't love Genma now, but Iruka supposed, if Kakashi really wasn't coming home, he could learn to love Genma. Genma was surprisingly sweet and very kind.

He pulled himself from Genma's loose hold and slipped out of the bed. Genma clung to the pillow that Iruka had been propped up against, and Iruka smiled. It wouldn't be hard, either, to love Genma. He walked over to the window and looked up at the sky. Whatever higher powers were up there… Iruka didn't know why they were doing this to him. Why couldn't they just bring Kakashi home, instead of trying to throw him together with Genma?

"Iruka?"

He looked over his shoulder and saw his new lover sitting up in bed. Genma's eyes were soft, but his brows were pushed into a frown.

"Is something wrong?"

Iruka turned back to the skyline and waited. Sure enough, Genma was behind him in moments, holding Iruka tightly against his chest. Genma was just tense enough for Iruka to feel it, and he knew why it was. Genma was expecting him to break down again, like he had two nights ago.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Genma murmured in his ear, afterwards kissing his neck lightly.

Iruka relaxed into Genma's hold, hoping that Genma, too, would relax. "I don't know," he replied. "I just feel terrible."

"Why?"

He breathed deeply and collected his thoughts. "Because, I'm slowly loosing Kakashi. I don't remember what he smells like anymore, and now, I'm looking at the sky and wondering what he would say to me if he saw me like this, and I can't remember what his voice sounds like," Iruka explained. "Also, I can't help but believe that he's alive somewhere, and when I think about what we did tonight, I don't know how I feel about it."

Genma kissed his neck again. "I didn't mark you for a reason. Kakashi-san asked me to take care of you. So I did, but I understand that you are not mine, and when he comes home, you'll be back in his arms." Iruka was turned around so they were facing each other, and Genma smiled at him. "He'll come back. You just have to have a little faith, and keep waiting."

Iruka nodded and leaned his head against Genma's shoulder. "And, us?"

"If you never want to do this again, I swear our relationship will remain strictly friends-only," Genma said.

Iruka nodded. "Let's just… not let this get past tonight."

Genma nodded and leaned in to peck Iruka on the cheek. "Alright. Come back to bed soon, okay?" Iruka nodded and looked back at the sky.

He ended up falling asleep in the chair next to the window, and woke up in the bed.

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><p>Iruka understood that they were nearing the seven-month cut-off, where a ninja would be declared dead if no contact could be made without prior notice. Kakashi had been gone for six months and two weeks past when his team returned home, and the Hokage put Iruka on suicide watch. Everyone knew- even Iruka- that there was a good chance he would try to end himself instead of accepting Kakashi's death. So, he didn't fight when Izumo and Kotetsu starting hanging around more, and Genma insisted on sleeping next to him, or when the kids at the Academy started giving him hand-made mementos and telling him that they would miss him too much if he left them.<p>

Instead, he accepted it all and waited.

And waited.

And then, one morning, he woke up and Genma _wasn't_ sleeping next to him or sitting on the chair in the corner of his room. Iruka was puzzled, but figured he had stepped out for something and would be back soon. So, he stretched, showered, dressed, and went out to the kitchen to find breakfast.

But Genma wasn't sitting in the kitchen.

Someone else was, however, and Iruka stood still and silent while the man at his table read the little orange book and sipped the tea in his hand. Iruka couldn't… no.

_No._

"_How?"_ Iruka whispered, and instantly, the man's head picked up. Iruka saw him gasp and smile, and then the book closed and the tea was set aside, and he stood up and walked across the room.

His chest tightened with every step, and finally, Iruka took a step back and pulled a kunai out and pointed it at the man, which stopped him. Because, even though it was everything he'd wanted for the past seven months, he was finally accepting the situation that Kakashi was _dead_ and there was _no way_ this man in front of him was actually…

"Who do you think you are, coming into my home under that disguise?" Iruka growled. "Drop it, now, or I'll attack."

The Kakashi-look-alike just put his hands up and sighed. "You know I'd do anything for you, but I can't do that because _this isn't an illusion_."

Iruka's hand shook, and he just fell to his knees and dropped the kunai. Kakashi was there in an instant and Iruka held up a hand and stopped the touch that would have landed on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Iruka, that it took me so long to get home to you."

Iruka was silent for a while, and he knew the look on Kakashi's face- it was the same look he'd gotten the first time they made love and Iruka had been hurt during it. And, then, he spoke, "Say it again."

Kakashi started, "I'm sorry it-"

"No," Iruka said and looked up. "My… my name. Say it again."

And the jounin smiled. "Iruka," he whispered, and instantly got an armful of his lover as they sat on the floor. Iruka started to laugh and sob into Kakashi's shoulder, and Kakashi shushed him and rocked them both.

"I'd… almost forgotten," Iruka sniffed Kakashi's neck and then kissed him.

"Forgotten, what?"

"Everything. Your scent is not on the bed anymore. I couldn't remember your voice, or how rough your fingers are, or," Iruka blushed and wiped at his eyes to clear the tears, "how you taste."

Kakashi grinned. "We could fix that last one right now, if you want."

Iruka looked away and frowned. "It was like you were leaving me, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't keep you. If it weren't for the pictures everywhere, I think I would have forgotten what you looked like." Kakashi's fingers on his chin made him look up and he closed his eyes as they kissed lightly, and the world started turning again.

He couldn't seem to stop the tears for a while, but with Kakashi's strong arms around him, the sweet humming under his ear, and the pleasantly familiar scent covering both of them, Iruka knew that he would be all right. He wasn't sure how long they sat together, but eventually it got dark out, and then he tipped his head up and saw that Kakashi was still watching him, like he would break.

"Will you be okay now?"

Iruka chuckled. "As long as you don't go missing like that ever again."

"No promises, but I'll try my best," Kakashi said, tightening his hold.

Iruka nodded. "Kakashi?"

"Hmm?"

"We… we fought, the night before you left, didn't we?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi sighed. "We did."

"Um… do you remember… what we fought about?"

There was silence between the two of them for a moment before Kakashi spoke slowly, "…No. I… don't."

Iruka smiled. "Maybe, it's better that way?"

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><p>AN: well, that took much longer than expected. I think I've been writing this particular piece for about eight months and between forgetting about it and not knowing what to write next, it took forever. And I'm still not happy with the ending, but I felt like I was beating a dead horse by continuing past then.

No, I don't know what they were fighting about, either. They just wanted to fight at the beginning, so I let them. It's their fault that they don't remember.


End file.
